Preview: Sounders vs. Portscum?

I know what faithful readers of Take 'Em All Blog are thinking right now: Why on earth are the mighty Sounders playing an amateur soccer team (and a second-rate one at that) in the middle of the season?

Basically, Seattle is going to send down a development team to spank Portscum, and all the Portscum "fans" (yes, all 826 of them!) are going to get all excited if they win. Then they'll start yammering on about how there's almost no difference in the level of play between USL and MLS. Yeah right.

I'm not going to insult anyone's intelligence by pretending that Postscum deserves anything like serious soccer analysis, anymore than the Lancashire Ladies Auxiliary Football Team is worthy of Take 'Em All level footy analysis. Instead, I'm going to give you some fun facts about Portscum.

Fun Facts About Portscum

1. Portscum was founded by Jebediah Portscum in 1972. Jebediah dreamed of creating a society "free of misery and personal hygiene". Although Portscum has more than it's fair share of misery, the locals do seem to have completely abandoned personal hygiene.
2. A tiny fraction of Portscum residents (826 of them) are convinced that they have a professional soccer team.
3. The largest employer in Portscum is the Masengil Douche Factory. Portscum is still often referred to as "The City Built by Douchebags". The original name of the Portscum Tinhats was the "Portscum Masengil Fresh".
4. Like all cities, Portscum has wonderful summer festivals. Locals are very proud of the one-of-a-kind Skidmark festival, in which residents submit samples of soiled clothing for judging. Competition is fierce, with many residents going the entire year without changing underwear.
5. A vocal minority of residents (826 of them) call Portscum "Soccer Town USA". Apparently having a professional franchise is not necessary to be called "Soccer Town USA".

Also, please note that the Sounders Next Game Countdown clock (at the right) has been updated for the next Sounders game against a real soccer squad (the Houston Dynamo) as Porstcum is not worthy of mention in the Countdown Clock.

See you at the game!