Preview: Sounders vs. Portscum?

I know what faithful readers of Take 'Em All Blog are thinking right now: Why on earth are the mighty Sounders playing an amateur soccer team (and a second-rate one at that) in the middle of the season?

Basically, Seattle is going to send down a development team to spank Portscum, and all the Portscum "fans" (yes, all 826 of them!) are going to get all excited if they win. Then they'll start yammering on about how there's almost no difference in the level of play between USL and MLS. Yeah right.

I'm not going to insult anyone's intelligence by pretending that Postscum deserves anything like serious soccer analysis, anymore than the Lancashire Ladies Auxiliary Football Team is worthy of Take 'Em All level footy analysis. Instead, I'm going to give you some fun facts about Portscum.

Fun Facts About Portscum

1. Portscum was founded by Jebediah Portscum in 1972. Jebediah dreamed of creating a society "free of misery and personal hygiene". Although Portscum has more than it's fair share of misery, the locals do seem to have completely abandoned personal hygiene.
2. A tiny fraction of Portscum residents (826 of them) are convinced that they have a professional soccer team.
3. The largest employer in Portscum is the Masengil Douche Factory. Portscum is still often referred to as "The City Built by Douchebags". The original name of the Portscum Tinhats was the "Portscum Masengil Fresh".
4. Like all cities, Portscum has wonderful summer festivals. Locals are very proud of the one-of-a-kind Skidmark festival, in which residents submit samples of soiled clothing for judging. Competition is fierce, with many residents going the entire year without changing underwear.
5. A vocal minority of residents (826 of them) call Portscum "Soccer Town USA". Apparently having a professional franchise is not necessary to be called "Soccer Town USA".

Also, please note that the Sounders Next Game Countdown clock (at the right) has been updated for the next Sounders game against a real soccer squad (the Houston Dynamo) as Porstcum is not worthy of mention in the Countdown Clock.

See you at the game!

Confederations Cup: Team USA will defeat Brazil

Okay, we're going out on a limb here, but we have watched almost every minute of every game of the Confederations Cup and we have come to a conclusion:

Team USA is better than Brazil

How good? Well, consider the following:

1. Team USA just beat the top team in the world.
2. Brazil could barely get by South Africa. They had limited luck penetrating a strong South African defensive line, but the US has a much stronger, bigger, faster, more cohesive, and more disciplined defensive line than South Africa.
3. Team USA's earlier tournament loss to Brazil came with ten players, yet again due to a weak call by the ref.
4. Tim Duncan, the goaltender for team USA, is playing with attitude. Did you see him making the international crybaby sign to Xavi?
5. The US has the best middle defender in the world in Oguchi "Gooch" Onyewu (he's the one wearing the black state trooper gloves). Did you catch Gooch patting David Villa on the head after a failed run? Like I said, attitude...
6. Landon Donovan. No attitude, just an incredible offensive mid-fielder.
7. Forward Clint Dempsey. Dempsey understands what Donovan is trying to do and gets to where he needs to be. On Dempsey's goal against Spain, when everyone expected Donovan to shoot, Dempsey knew the pass was coming. Dempsey is on a par with anyone on Brazil.
8. Forward Jozy Altidore is bigger than the Brazilian defenders. He's going to pick them up and move them out of the way on the way to the net.

What could sink the US?
1. The double-standard that FIFA refs apply to Team USA compared to the other top teams in the world...you never know if the ref is going out on the field with the red card already pulled.
2. Free kicks. The Brazilians aren't as good as they used to be, and the ball doesn't seem to bend as much anymore, but they can still score on any free kick from within 25 meters.

Confederations Cup: WHAT A GAME!

As practically the only soccer blog that gave the US any chance against Spain, we here at Take 'Em All Blog would like to congratulate ourselves for seeing the massive improvement in US International Soccer before anyone else (except the actual team of course)...Tim Howard stood on his head. Landon Donovan ran the offense like the world-class midfielder that he is. Jozy Altidore turned his Spanish mark inside out in his goal. Clint Dempsey turned a broken-up (but still beautiful) Donovan cross into a Montero-esque pick-your-pocket-from-behind goal.

And then there was the defense. Oh the defense. At times it looked like the US defenders and midfielders were all controlled by a single brain. Seriously, the line looked like a foozeball line, moving exactly in-sync with the play. They completely shut down Spain's high-powered forwards. They made Fernando Torres look slow. They made David Villa look spastic. Some guy named Xavi was out there as well. Who's he?He didn't do much all game. They freaking owned Spain. Yes Spain had chances, but when the defenders were done owning the Spaniards, it was Tim Howard's turn to make them his b*tch.

WHAT A FREAKING GAME! The highlights don't do the game justice.

FINAL IS ON SUNDAY AND ANYONE CAUGHT NOT WATCHING WILL BE SENT TO TAKE 'EM ALL BLOG WORLD HQ FOR A BEATDOWN!

Confederations Cup: USA Playing Spain Tomorrow (Wed) at 11:30am

Team USA is definitely improving and moving up the international rankings. They are now well ahead of Mexico, and the top CONCACAF team by far. But...the top European squads have a habit of picking their defense apart. Tomorrow, they face THE top team in the world by a lot. Spain is firing on all cylinders right now and is on the short list of teams that can win the World Cup next year. The performance of Team USA against Spain in a must-win match and a high-profile tournament will help to gauge just where the US lines up against the top European national teams.

Freddie Ljungberg Thinks We Can Win The MLS Cup

This might explain some of Sigi's substitutions last game(ie. he's trying to keep everyone healthy and decently rested for a late season run):

Confederations Cup: USA through Yeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaw

The USA has defeated Egypt 3-0 today in Confederations Cup action. At the same time, Italy put in a miserable performance against the Brazilians losing 3-0 (keep in mind that Italy barely beat a ten-man Team USA earlier in the tournament).

So at long last, long suffering Team USA supporters can get right up in Italian supporters faces and chant "You-Ess-Ay! You-Ess-Ay! You-Ess-Ay!" Do it quick, though, since the US faces world number Spain in the next game...

See sidebar for USA:Egypt highlights. Italy Brazil highlights are in this post.

Next game is on Wednesday the 24th at 12:30 pm. See you at Azzurri for the game. The final is on Sunday at 12:30pm...

Quote of the Day: "The best team I could choose was the one standing on the pitch tonight." - Italian head coach Marcello Lippi. That's the best Italy has to offer? I can't wait for the World Cup!

Seattle 1 : 1 Red Bulls - The Good the Bad and the Ugly

The good news is that the entire Sounders team put on a soccer clinic against the Red Bulls. The bad news is that the clinic was entitled "How To Squander Opportunities in Soccer". You name a player, and I can tell you that they missed a goal tonight.

The Good.
Fredy Montero is a freaking soccer god. I can't believe that there is anyone in Seattle (or anywhere) that isn't sold on this guy. He is a one-man clinic, picking defenders pockets, smashing balls into the net, curving balls into the net, passing, heading, crossing, dribbling. Anyone left who doesn't like this guy should come on down to Take 'Em All Blog World HQ so I can bitch-slap you. In addition to a goal he had two posts and set up cross after cross. He stripped Blue Balls defender Jeremy Hall on a slide tackle from behind, grabbed the ball, turned, ran 15 yards across the box and then blasted the ball into the top of the net. Then he lifted his jersey to reveal an undershirt with a message congratulating Hurtado on the birth of his son. Awesome. The Europeans are going to come sniffing for this guy any day now...

The Bad.
The Blue Balls goal was a bloody circus play. Sounders (Ianni and Marshall) tried to clear but the ball took a freak deflection back into the box and was picked up by the Blue Balls' Juan Pablo Angel who put it past Kasey Keller as Keller slipped and fell. Angel ran around like he actually did something other than fall ass-backwards into good fortune, like a trust fund baby who actually believes that he deserves his money. Wanker.

The Ugly.
Hard, late tackles that weren't carded by the ref. The game looked like an NHL hockey team for the first bit of the second half: they were more interested in hitting and checking than in scoring. They woke up towards the end of the half but couldn't score. They had all kinds of opportunities inside the box, including two posts hit by Montero and a bunch of open shots from the top of the box that sailed high.

Advice for Sigi:
1. Bench Defender Tyrone Marshall. He's cost us two games in a row.
2. Practice keeping one-time shots from the top of the box DOWN. Gotta get over the ball and drive it into the ground. Better a soft grounder towards the net (eg. see Jaqua's goal against DC United last week) than one sailing 20 yards high.
3. Hire some genetic engineers to grow Ljungberg a pair of balls (any color but blue). He was a scratch because of a tight hammy. This game was a guaranteed win and three points if Freddy was in. I guess Sigi wants to keep his star happy...

The "What the...?" moment of the game:
Subbing out Le Toux and Jaqua for Nyassi and Roger Levesque mid-second half when the game was tied. Huh? Care to explain that one, Sigi?

Vancouver: Montreal Adds Injury to Insult

Montreal lost 6-1 to Toronto earlier in the week, which resulted in Vancouver being eliminated from the Champions league. Tonight, Montreal started seven different players and beat Vancouver 2-1 in USL action. Vancouver fans are screaming. Montreal fans are screaming. TotoCrapFC fans still don't understand that their team sucks and has no chance in the Champions League.

Preview: Sounders - Red Bulls

Okay. This should be a gimme. If the Sounders are anywhere near the form they were in last week they will demolish the Red Bulls. The Red Bulls are dead last in the east and are showing no signs of turning things around. The Red Bulls are also dead last in the MLS Power Rankings, and have been outscored 8-1 over the past 3 games. Basically yhe Red Bells suck, except that they have naked girls painted with Red Bulls logos, so that make them okay in my book. Oh, also, New York City sucks.

Betting Line:
Amazingly, the betting money is split between a tie and a Sounders win. Hmmm...maybe that has something to do with the fact that the Sounders seem to be able to pull a tie out of any situation, good or bad.

Vancouver Whitecaps Oh No!

Big scandal brewing in The Great White North. Vancouver had all but wrapped up a spot in the CONCACAF Champions League. All that needed to happen was that Toronto needed to beat Montreal by 4 goals. Not gonna happen, right? Toronto won 6-1. The Vancouver fans are pissed off, especially since Vancouver helped Montreal get into the Champions League last year by defeating Toronto. (Vancouver and Montreal are both USL teams, while Toronto is MLS). Even the Montreal fans are calling for blood over this. Montreal didn't start their normal goaltender, and the backup let in everything that was shot at him...

Sounders 3 - DC United 3

CONTENDERS!

What a game. Both sides raised their level. Sounders passing was fantastic, better than I've seen this year (or ever). Offense was powerful. But then they had to go and get conservative, pulling Ljungberg and Montero out for a more defensive configuration. Like I said in the pre-match post, you can't beat a team like DC United by playing defense. The key is to keep the ball in DC's zone and force their weaker defenders back on their heels. Keller was upset with this, but Seattle just does not have the defensive skills to hold off a high-powered offense like DC. Sure the outcome was disappointing, but Seattle showed everyone that they are a serious team. So while everyone is griping about the tie, here are some reasons why I liked what I saw:
1. Nate Jaqua is playing like Peter Crouch on crystal meth. He's all legs and arms and grimaces and determination, and he gets it in the net. AND he did a freaking Lambeau Leap.
2. Sigi came up with the right game plan for DC: fast passing in the offensive zone. This stripped DC of their power offensive attack.
3. Saab Le Touch is taking great free kicks.
4. People keep forgetting that this is an expansion team...an expansion team that came within a few minutes of beating DC-freaking-United, man. Let's give them a little credit.

Okay. Enough ranting. Watch the clips!

Sounders FC Okay!

Contenders or Pretenders?

IS SEATTLE A TOP MLS TEAM OR JUST A PRETENDER? THIS GAME WILL ANSWER THAT QUESTION...

Overview:
The Sounders face a tough opponent in DC United on Wednesday night. DC is 5-2-7 with 22 points in the Eastern Conference. They have six (yes, six) forwards or midfielders capable of scoring at any time (including Emilio, Moreno, Pontius, Gomez, Quaranta, and Wallace). They are third in the MLS power rankings (behind Houston and Chivas). The flip side is that they give up a lot of shots and goals, even with two of the league-leading goalies in Louis Crayton and Josh Wicks.

What the bookies are saying:
2-to-1 odds on DC United, with a prediction of at least 3 goals.

DC Highlight Reel:
Predictions:

Sounders need to control the ball in DC's weak area, which means that they should focus on lots of passing in the offensive zone. Look for two forwards, with maybe two midfielders brought up in support. If they try their 4 and 5 man assaults on the DC goal they are going to get smoked on the play back up the field. Forwards will probably be Jaqua and Montero, with supporting midfielders being Ljungberg, Evans, and Zakuania.


Sounders FC Okay!

Highlights reel: Sounders versus Earthquakes

Sounders 2 EarthQuakes 1

Wicked Game. Great plays on both ends. Sounders totally dominated. Sigi took some of the free kicks away from Ljungberg and it seemed to work.

Highlights here

Saab Le Toux looked good all game, including the header assist to Montero for the goal. Really nice header that one. They've scored a few times on similar corners, where the kick comes to mid-net and is then headed on to the far side.

Sounders are still coming fast and furious on offense, which I doubt will work against a stronger opponent and will end up wearing the midfielders out, but overall a very strong performance.

San Jose's goal was scored by the Johnson/Huckerby combination. Huckerby goal here.

Next game (against 1st place DC United) won't be so easy!
Sounders FC Okay!

Pre-Game: Sounders FC vs. San Jose EarthQuakes

Pre-Game: Sounders FC vs. San Jose EarthQuakes

So there I was at Take ‘Em All Blog World HQ, feet up on the dark-red oak desk, ceiling fan turning slowly, curtains gently billowing in the warm tropical breeze, warm smell of calitas rising up through the air, pondering one of those deep mysteries of life: Will Smurf Blue ever become fashionable? Then I snapped back to reality and thought “Holy crap! The Sounders are playing the San Jose SmurfQuakes this weekend! I gotta write the pre-game!”.

Okay here we go… First off, where on earth is San Jose? I thought it was down near San Diego, but someone told me today that it was up towards San Francisco. I hope Waldo isn’t in San Jose because I have hard enough time finding that little dude as it is…

Here’s the Rundown:

Game Time:
Seattle Sounders FC vs. San Jose EarthQuakes. Saturday June 13, 7:30pm, Xbox Pitch. Game is sold out (again).

Broadcasting:
King 5, 97.3 FM KIRO radio, 1210 AM Que Bueno (Spanish, duh), and MLS Match Center (Internet feed pay-per-view)

Betting Line:
Big money on the Sounders for this one. The Earthquakes are +450 (ie a $100 bet gets you $450 if the Smurfmen win, but if you bet on SJ you will be banned for life from this blog).

Injured/Suspended:
Seattle is missing productive forward Nate Jaqua and easy-header-missing-but-otherwise-solid midfielder Jhon Kennedy Hurtado due to yellow card accumulations. San Jose is missing a fieldable team. Haha just kidding, they are pretty healthy but they are missing starting midfielder Bobby Convey.

San Jose Stars:
Watch for Alvarez (video clip here - that is a freaking Golaso if I ever saw one), Johnson (video clip here - not great but it shows his speed) or maybe Huckerby to test Keller.

Standings:
San Jose is currently dead-last in the standings and second-to-last the MLS power rankings. The Sounders have 56 points in the power rankings while the Smurfmen have 14. SJ has had an easy schedule the past two games so their recent win and tie probably make them look a little stronger than they are.

Free advice for Sigi:
SLOW DOWN! Your guys are killing themselves in the first half trying to get back on defense after launching massive 4 and 5 forward onslaughts early in the game. The whole onslaught thing worked at the beginning of the season but the other teams have adjusted with more defenders and a focus on quick breaks (as in the Lillingston goal of last week – video here). As much as I hate all things Italian Soccer, it may be time for a little soccer Al Italiano with a bigger focus on passing, pushing individual ball handling forwards like Montero up, with the bigger pushes coming later in the game.

Free advice for Ljungberg:
IF THE SOUNDERS NEED A GOAL LATE, DON”T START SCREAMING AT THE REF! Everyone in th league knows that if they hard-foul you late in a game you’ll run a couple minutes off the clock whining to the ref, so now you’re a target.

Predictions:

This whould be an easy 2-0 win for the Sounders playing at home. Hopefully Ljungberg gets his crossing/set-piece game in order and stops with the 10-yards-too-long crosses and corners. Seb Le Toux is due for a goal.

Yet Another Reason To Take The Monorail

The Sounders are opening a pro-shop in Pacific Place on Friday. From the press release: "The brand new Sounders-Seahawks Pro Shop at Pacific Place in downtown Seattle opens Friday and Sunday is the big day for SoundersFC fans. On Sunday at 12 noon Fredy Montero, Jhon Kennedy Hurtado, Osvaldo Alonso will meet, greet and sign autographs for fans until 2 p.m. Goalkeeper Kasey Keller will be there from 2-3 signing autographs."

Like you needed another reason to take the monorail.

FC Barcelona Tickets!

Barca tickets go on sale to the general public next Monday BUT...email the blog (SounderFC.Okay@gmail.com) to find out some double-top-secret info on how to get your tickets right now before the unwashed masses get their grubby hands on them.

Rumor has it that Barca is bringing a nearly full squad, which means Henry, Eto'o, Messi, Iniesta and all those others. They will undoubtedly be looking to the Sounders for tips on passing...and Messi will probably be asking Hurtado for tips on heading the ball into the net.

On a related note, can anyone explain why Barca's crest has a waterpolo ball on it? Anyone? Bueller?

Future Rival Watch: Vancouver

Whitecaps lost 2-1 last night to Montreal.

FYI, Montreal is slotted for an MLS franchise after the 2011 MLS Vancouver/Portland expansion.

Beckham's Back! And Ancelotti's gone!

After a good stint with AC Milan where they won the Italian League, David Beckham returns to the Galaxy. Video From MLSNet

On a related note, the AC Milan coach Carlo Ancelotti is going to Chelski. Apparently the Russian oligarchs that own Chelski haven't heard about the recession. How much money does Chelski have to be able to poach the very successful coach of Italian champion Milan (keep in mind that Milan is owned by the somewhat corrupt and very very rich Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi).

Sounders FC Okay!

Jaqua Yellow Card Video

You decide:

Jaqua foul or Nagamura dive?

Sounders FC Okay!

San Jose Next Up

Here's a link to the San Jose team stats for all you eager beavers:

San Jose Team Stats

Sounders Team Stats

Sounders have way more depth but some of that depth will be missing...

Sounders Web Page Watch

Whose child is in charge of the Sounders Web page? Their Matchday page still has the Columbus Crew game up. Do the people in the front office care about their own franchise?

Sounders FC Okay!

Future Rival Watch: Vancouver Whitecaps

Vancouver Whitecaps defeated Totocrap FC (aka Toronto) on Tuesday as part of the Canadian Club Championships. Vancouver is going to get an MLS franchise in the near future. It'll be fun to head on up I5, smoke a ridiculous amount of BC Bud, and then take in a Whitecaps-Sounders game.

PS. When Vancouver gets an MLS franchise, they become the Hongcouver Whitecraps for the purposes of this blog. But until then, Go Whitecaps!

Sounders FC Okay!

Dirty Sanchez FC Gets Sounders Goat

I don't know what was worse, watching that loss or being in a bar full of Microsofties...

And now, on with our regularly scheduled blog...

Sigi Sigi Sigi
Can't you see
Jaqua's good
But he's not the key

The Sounders looked just like their web site in the first half: Good start, no finish. Lots of passes up the wings and open field runs went absolutely nowhere. Jaqua had an open shot from about 5 yards beyond the box but decided to dribble it instead and got schooled in the fine art of defense. Ljundberg was crossing shots consistently about 10 yards long. Montero had a few runs but nothing much in the way of quality chances.

The midfielders seemed to have been coached to pass the ball to Jaqua no matter who was open. Possibly we were dealing with a Golden Boy effect as a result of last week's stellar goal

Then, Chivas scored. Pretty nice play up the left side resulted in a Nagamura shot that was stopped (just) by Keller, but Lillingston was there to pocket the change. No surprise that those two lead Chivas in scoring.

Sounders looked better at finishing in the second half, but couldn't find the net. Montero was replaced with Le Toux, which seemed to energize the offense for a while but they still couldn't score. The closest they came was when Jaqua hit one just wide from the left side. Also, Hurtado had a header off a rebound that was pretty much a sure thing, but he put it about 2 feet over the cross-bar.

I'll see if I can dig up some video highlights (lowlights?).

Betting on the Sounders

Holy Crap! The moneyline on the Sounders against Dirty Sanchez is +250. All those Angelinos are putting their money on Chivas. $100 on the Sounders with a $250 return if they win? Sign me up Mr. Bookie! $200 on the Sounders right now. Watch for a guy in Pioneer Square chasing hookers and blow if we win...that'll be me!

Sounders FC okay!

Post Game Update: OUCH!

Take 'Em All Scoop!

Well not really. But here is the Whitecaps marketing chick posing with a Totocrap FC blow up doll (something about Toronto being all plastic...)

Match Preview: Sounders FC v. Dirty Sanchez FC

I woke up all agitated this morning, worried about the Match today. How will the Sounders do this time against Dirty Sanchez? Will they be caught off guard by the physical go-for-the-knees style of Sanchez FC or will they be able to figure out a counter? One thing we know is that you can’t count on the refs in the MLS to call anything with any consistency. Isn’t there a ref in the pressbox? What’s he doing up there, hookers and blow?

What to watch for:

Sanchez is missing lots of starters due to injuries (hey, who knew that dirty playing would catch up to you?). Most of the Dirty Sanchez players are defenders… Sounders are pretty healthy so watch for Sigi to press forward early to (a) get a goal or (b) draw some cards….Nate Jaqua may have been rewarded with the MLS Goal of the Week last week, but it was Ljungberg’s incredible looping pass to open space that made it possible. Watch for Lundberg to be making some passes in close to Jaqua and friends ...who knows which Montero will show up but with Sanchez weak on defense he might shine today….on Chivas watch out for Paolo Nagamura and Eduardo Livingston…in terms of Dirty Sanchez watch for F Atiba Harris to try to injure one of our boys…if Lundberg is taking a free kick, you may want to close your eyes (apparently he went to the same free-kick training academy as Chelski’s John Terry)…

Predictions:

Break out game for Montero as he runs circles around the Sanchez second-string defense.

Trivia:

Did you know that Guadalajara Chivas is the only team in the Mexican First League that only fields Mexican players? How fitting is it then that the MLS Chivas is HQ’d in Los Angeles, which only fields Mexican residents?

Sounders FC Okay!

Musical Interlude